#Mommitment: To the 'Mediocre Moms'

We've all been there, we've all felt like we could be doing more to help our children thrive; sometimes, we just don't have the energy, maybe we just don't know how to help our children, and maybe we're doing everything we know and can muster the energy to do, but there's always more.

There are tons of people out there telling us we're good moms, I mean, there's that whole #mommitment thing (which I haven't been able to commit to! I don't even like having a monthly Internet bill - commitment isn't really my thing) but that doesn't make us feel it. If there's anything I've learned about being a mom in the last four years, it's that I can find something to feel guilty about, because there will always be something, and there will always be someone out there telling me I'm not good enough, usually it's that nagging little voice in my head.

Maybe it's time to talk to the men in Mom's life - fellas, have you told your wife/girlfriend/baby mama that she's doing a good job lately? Pricklypants called me a 'damn good mom' for the first time in four years about a month ago - I know he doesn't think I'm a bad mom, but he's never told me I'm a good mom. Anyone want to guess what kind of a confidence boost that gave me? We didn't fight for a while after that, he was more respectful and I was less apt to jump down his throat over every little grievance.

But there's still guilt, because I feel like a "mediocre mom"; I feel like I could be, and like I should be, doing more to help my boys - my precious little men who have so many obstacles in their way. And so I read more on how to help them, research more ideas for sensory play (which they'll reject, anyway) and try to engage them more and more often. It's never enough; it won't be enough, no matter how hard I try, and feeling like I'm failing - constantly - is defeating. How can I ever do enough? When will I know it's enough? What if it's not? Why doesn't this mom gig come with a freaking manual?!

Sometimes the twins let me into their worlds, sometimes they don't. I've learned to let them take the lead in our interactions, I can pick up on when they're just done and I know when to take my leave. That doesn't make it any less frustrating.

It's the times they don't let me in, the times they reject my attempts at interaction, that really get to me - because I feel defeated, I feel like I should have done more - because I know I'm capable. But they're not - and I have to learn the difference between my deficits and those of others, even those of my children. I have to stop making their challenges my faults, because their challenges are theirs, and I'm simply here to help in whatever ways I can, whatever ways I'm capable of helping them. I'm here to keep loving them, regardless of the challenges in our lives. The key point - I'm here.

As a co-founder of a local support group, as well as being part of a group of (mostly) parent bloggers, I talk to others who often feel the same way - we all just want what's best for our children, but we're not all as well equipped to deal with the hand fate's dealt us with this parenting stuff - it's hard, there are challenges every. single. day. It wears a person down, and then you throw in outside factors - people scrutinizing what we're doing as parents, telling us (directly or indirectly) that what we're doing is just not enough, making us feel less than (and again, there are just as many telling us we're doing an awesome job).

Sometimes, simply being reminded that there are parents who don't stick around, parents who leave their children to be taken care of by grandparents, aunts and uncles, whomever, and there are parents who go to the atrocious lengths of murdering their own children - sometimes that's enough to remind me that my all-consuming love for my children, the efforts that I put in to help them through their daily lives, that's enough. However, I've always been the type to strive for more, I want to be the best at what I do - otherwise what's the point?

Being a mom has helped put that into perspective - because maybe I'm not the world's best mom, and maybe I'm not winning any Mother of the Year trophies (there was that time I forgot to strap Gamble into his car seat - he reminded me half-way to school), but I am loving my boys and giving them the best that I can every day. It's more than I feel capable of doing some days, but I still do it - and that, my friends, makes me (and you!) a pretty damn good mom.

Today, I packed my family into our little car, drove us all, even Pricklypants (grumpling* all the way), to our local park to see "Elsa in the Park".

I'm not sure what I expected, I'm not sure I expected anything, actually. In fact, *Pricklypants listed off exactly all the reasons it was probably a waste of time, and it didn't matter. We still went. It's important for all of us to get out of the house regularly and do something, even if it's just for two minutes, to take one (or four) photos and stretch our legs and our social muscles. Oh, and spread some autism awareness; the boys walked up with their hands over their ears, full stim ahead.

I just wanted one picture where both of my boys were even just kind of looking at the camera, sitting almost next to each other...Of course Gage had his hands over his ears, there was music playing of which he did not approve, and Gamble was distracted by the fountain, but they were there, together with Elsa. For a whole two seconds. Poor Elsa didn't know what to do, but she was kind, and she got on their level. 

Getting Ready for a Photoshoot

One of the things I've noticed is that many of my potential clients have never had their family's photos done professionally, or it's been a while and they're not sure what to do to get ready, what to bring with them or what to expect. To help calm some of that anxiety and make your special day a success, here are some tips:

What to Wear: One of the hardest parts of getting your family ready for the photo session, in my opinion, is figuring out what everyone's going to wear - it's one of the reasons I haven't had my own family's photos done. I found a wonderful guide here, though, so I might just have to do that soon!

The biggest thing is to make sure that everyone is comfortable - if the kids are scratching at their collars, and itching to get out of their boots, they're probably not going to be making the kind of faces you want captured for your photo books and Facebook walls.

What to Bring: I shoot on location (your choice of location), which means I don't typically bring much with me unless I know that your family has a specific request - please be sure to let me know, or if you have something you think would be a great prop, bring it along! Do you have a string of pearls you'd love to see your daughter photographed with? An Army hat, or pair of boots or an American flag? Want to include the family pet? Let's talk about what kind of photos you're looking for so that we can be sure to have the right props.

It's also not a bad idea to bring a non-messy snack and drinks for the kids; and make sure everyone's fed beforehand, because hungry people are grumpy people. For those with little ones, it's definitely a good idea to bring a spare outfit, a blanket, their favorite toys - the goal is happy kids for great photos!

What to Expect: Once we've set a date, time and location, we'll talk more about what kind of photos your family is looking for - whether you have poses in mind or we create a Pinterest board together.

The day of the session will, I hope, be relaxed and fun. I try to go for natural photos - I like to let the little ones do their own thing, getting on their level and stepping into their world. Don't be nervous about "messing up the shot" - I take plenty of shots, and I can take plenty more if need be!

The BIGGEST Thing? I want your family to have a great time, because that's what makes the best photos - genuine smiles and a happy family.

Communication is key! If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to send me a message or ask during your session.

"What's wrong with those kids?"

As I was walking the boys into school this morning, Gage covered in the soda he'd just spilled on himself and Gamble happily chewing on his right shoe, I heard a little voice above their vocal stims, "What's wrong with those kids?"

I couldn't just ignore it, the little girl had asked a question, and while it was certainly aimed at her daddy, I knew he had no clue. So, while still walking forward, I turned around and told her "They have autism, they don't talk yet - but they really like making noises, just like other kids like to talk and ask questions."

She accepted it without further question, and her dad accepted Gamble's offered hand, returning his smile, as he asked some more questions: Do they have any means of communicating yet? Sign language? (I'm very in tune with them, but no, they don't really have many communication skills just yet). Are they twins? How old? What are their names?

It was a nice conversation, I didn't feel like I needed to defend my boys, but I felt like I wanted to answer the little girl's question, just like I wanted to answer the boy at the dentist office's funny looks at Gage yesterday. He didn't ask, though, so I didn't offer.

This isn't something I only do in April - if anyone has questions about my boys, I'm always happy to answer them. The more people know, they more they accept what is, right?

I've noticed, though, that other children are noticing more and more that the boys aren't like them - they don't talk, they vocal stim like crazy, they jump and spin and walk on their tippy toes, they don't eat what typical kids eat and they live in 'their own little world' most of the time - but they're still kids, they still like to play with toys and watch movies and run around. So while it doesn't exactly feel nice to hear "What's wrong with those kids?", it moves me to make sure that becomes acceptance, rather than judgment.

If I can't advocate for my boys, whether the questions are directed at me or not, then who will?

Reader Feature: Lyndsey J.

As part of ‪#‎Autism‬ Awareness/Acceptance Month I'm featuring readers who responded to my call for submissions earlier this month. Today's feature is Lyndsey J. - her mom, Amanda N. sent in answers to some questions, which I used to write up a little feature on Lyndsey. I hope you enjoy!

Lyndsey J., age 2, is a member of our fine autism community. Her mom, Amanda N., noticed early on that Lyndsey wasn't developing typically. Lyndsey was diagnosed before she turned 2, at Vanderbilt Medical Center.

“She wasn't making eye contact,” Amanda shared. “Not talking, not holding her cup, and [she] was VERY picky eating, with a lot of gagging problems. Also, she never responded to her name, at all.”

Early intervention, Amanda stated, is vital for children on the spectrum.

“I cannot stress enough the importance of early intervention,” Amanda commented. “I have seen my little girl progress to making eye contact, eating new foods, learning sign and being able to play with other children. All because of early intervention.”

Being on the spectrum has ups and downs, Amanda noted, but Lyndsey's giggle and love of being outside are just two of Lyndsey's many positive attributes. Lyndsey loves Mickey Mouse and Dora. She's also very loving and affectionate towards her mother, giving her hundreds of kisses a day, which Amanda has been told is “unusual for a child on the spectrum.”

“My heart breaks daily when I look at my beautiful little girl and see her struggling to do small things that others take for granted,” Amanda noted. “I know, though, that we are going to be okay! We are fighting and we won't give up! We are on this journey together and WON'T quit.”

However, Lyndsey doesn't yet understand the concepts of danger and boundaries, making family time outside stressful.

“It makes it very hard as a family to spend time outside...when you have to be on constant guard,” Amanda added.

The stresses and struggles of parenting a child (or children) on the spectrum can become overwhelming, Amanda hinted.

“...Remember that it's okay to make time for yourself,” she said. “It's very easy to 'lose yourself' in a sense, when you are raising a child with autism.

“Pray,” she continued. “Talk with your mate, talk with friends. Reach out for advice and let people help you. Also...cry! Get angry! It's okay. It's healthy, I think! It's all a journey. It's a daily struggle. It can be the most bittersweet adventure, ever! Don't give up...”

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Thanks for sharing your story, Amanda N.

If you'd like your family to be featured, just send me a message at https://www.facebook.com/chockfullasd.

Color the World

April is fast approaching, and it's "Autism Awareness Month" - a lot of other bloggers are planning to #ColortheWorld for #Autism, though, because autism doesn't just affect boys, and because autistic people don't necessarily want a cure, they want to be accepted for who they are, and who they have the potential to become.

For the month of April, I will open my blog up to others who have something to share on the topic at hand: Autism. There will be posts from parents of neurotypical children, as well as posts from adults on the spectrum, and parents of children and adults on the spectrum...who knows, it's still open - which is the point of this post - a call for submissions!

Do you have something to say about autism? Want to share how autism has touched your life? Want to rant about how unfair it all is? Let me know! Always wanted to share your voice, but too worried about grammar and spelling? I'll take care of that, I did it for a living for a couple of years, I haven't forgotten how to edit in an unbiased manner.

Even if you want to share your story, but aren't comfortable weaving a tale, if you want to be interviewed, we can do that! I loved writing feature stories when I worked at the local newspaper! Leave me a comment here, or send me a message on my Facebook page, and help us #ColortheWorldforAutism this April.

April is also:

-National Multiple Birth Awareness Month (who knew!) - so I'm going to ask another mom of twins on the spectrum to post from her perspective! I might even be able to sway the Punk Rock Papa himself into guest posting, who knows, he might be too busy with his masses.

- National Occupational Therapy Month - look for tips on my Twitter, Facebook and Pinterest pages!

There's a whole slew of things to be aware of in every month, these are the 3 I'm going to focus on, because they're relevant to what I'm doing here. Have something to share about any of these? Let me know!

#1000Speak: Building from Bullying

You are not a perfect parent. Neither am I. So long as we're doing the best we can under our own circumstances, who cares what anyone else thinks? The blogging world is the place where parents can go to let themselves get away from some of the stresses of parenting, but bullies are constantly finding their way in the door. If they're not complaining about what we're writing, they're calling us out for what we're not writing.

Yes, we are writing about the stresses and joys of parenting, but that, in itself, is therapy for many of us who blog. It's our way of releasing our pent-up frustrations. It's a way to reflect on the lessons our children are teaching us every day.

There's also the fact that we're busy in the trenches, dealing with all of the bad stuff that you all so keenly want us to portray. Let's be honest, though, when we do talk about the real stuff, we lose likes and followers, people stop reading us because they don't like the truth of the matter. Because even though you want us to be more real, you also want us to be less messy, talk less about poop or vomit or 3 am viewings of Frozen that happen over and over again for months at a time. When we talk about the struggles and hardships, we're reminded to be grateful. Make up your minds, people.

I may be doggy-paddling my way through, but my head's above the water, and I think that's commendable – and guess what, it's commendable, kids or no kids. Surviving in this world is no easy feat; there are people who opt out every day – if you're not one of them, congratulations, you're doing okay – and that's enough. It would do the world good to remember that, to have some compassion.

It's enough for me, because I'm happy (mostly, I do battle depression, anxiety, etc) and more importantly, my kids are happy. They're not happy all the time, but they're toddlers, and in my opinion, toddlers are worse than teenagers (though I'm not looking forward to having teen twins).

My house is lived in, there are dishes on the counter, it's after 7 pm and I haven't cleaned up the boys' mess from dinner, and I don't remember the last time I was brave enough to clean the toilets. Sometimes the trash piles up and the living room is always a mess (toddler terrorists...why would I even bother?), but we have home cooked meals and snuggles and my boys' laughter can be heard more often than their screams and cries (though in the moment, it always feels endless).

When we first got the boys' diagnosis, I accepted it pretty readily because I'd been prepared for two years, but not everyone was able to just hear it and move on. Some people told me that if I just worked with them more, spent more time with them, that they would be just fine; it wasn't autism, it was bad parenting, they said. I have a hard time writing about that because it's in the past, it's behind us, but it still hurts. I don't really care what anyone thinks of my parenting skills – my boys are happy, healthy and their needs and wants are met to the best of our ability – that doesn't mean your words hurt any less.

So maybe bloggers are hesitant to put the real stuff out there, the hard stuff, because it's too painful to bear the hurtful comments, the judgment – because obviously everyone is an expert on your kid but you, when you're on the Internet. We get plenty of that in real life, from family and friends and strangers at the grocery. We receive that treatment from pediatricians, therapists, insurance companies and schools, why would we want to bring that to our happy place, our place to be at peace with the lives we must live to build a better future for the most important people in our world?

If our readers are going to call for more real and less flowery, then they need to be compassionate when we show that picture, rather than picking us apart, piece by piece. I realize the Internet is all about the drama, the entertainment factor, but we're real people behind these screens, we have feelings and need a confidence boost as much as the next person. Let's, instead of bullying, build each other up, help each other through the tough times and celebrate the joyful moments as often as we can.

Our work as parents, special needs or not, is hard. This is harder than any job I've ever had, harder than school, harder than anything else I've ever done, because the stakes are higher. I have the lives of two little boys in my hands, every day. They depend on me, completely, to take care of their needs, to help them, and to teach them.

I don't need your validation, but I appreciate your compassion.

Oh the Wonderful Treats They'll Eat

It's Dr. Seuss' birthday! The boys are celebrating all week in school, and today they dressed up in their Thing 1 and Thing 2 costumes and watched The Cat in the Hat. Me? I wrote a poem, because I love Dr. Seuss and always have.

My boys won't eat it if it's crunchy,

It doesn't matter if they're munchy.

They don't like it to be dry.

If you want to hear a cry

Give them something green,

That's sure to make them scream.

'Try some 'nilla wafers or some popcorn?'

Is always met with looks of scorn.

If you ask them to eat their broccoli,

Well, you're a braver mom than me -

For the gagging shall commence.

Nothing green, it's common sense.

Hide it away, they'll dig it back out

Their hate of green, it is devout.

Not sure if it's texture, scent or color

But they won't eat it for a dollar.

They won't eat it for a bunch of trucks

Or even squishy, squeaky bathtub ducks.

Give them cloth, they'll chew, chew, chew.

Give them plastic, they'll bite it through,

But pretzels, cookies, crackers - they won't do.

Oh my wonderful kids hate candy, too.

A fork? Can't be bothered, too much work.

A spoon? Can't you see that impish smirk?

Their etiquette is non-existent,

And their hunger cries persistent.

Feed me now, they cry and scream.

A quick snack? Hah, a mom can dream.

But with all of this, a greater feat -

Because oh, the wonderful treats they eat.

Homemade muffins with carrots inside?
They eat it up, mom beams with pride.
Anything in the shape of a waffle,
They'll eat it by the fist full.
They'll eat fresh fruit in pancakes
But not cut up on their plates.

Meatloaf, spaghetti and ravioli
All favorites, but no cannoli.
Give them mashed potatoes
Chili with beans and tomatoes,

But don't give them Yellow Lake

Or Red Dye 40, big mistake.

There's many treats my boys will eat
But they prefer savory to sweet,
And if you try to give them something new
You'll basically be met with a big F-you.
They'll eat plenty of things, you see

Just not as many as you and me.

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This started out as a post about how many wonderful things my twins eat - but once I started thinking about it, they eat mostly similar things - I'm awesome at switching up those things to make it seem like we eat a variety, because you do what you gotta.

Take, for example, their love of meat. Everyone asks "How did you do it? My kids hated meat." My boys were strange, at least, according to the nutritionist at WIC (Women, Infants, Children for those of you not in the know) because most kids don't like the gristly nature of ground beef. That was our starting point - ground beef, ground turkey, ground pork, ground chicken - they love meatloaf, hamburger with macaroni and cheese, spaghetti with meat sauce. I don't need to worry about their protein intake, meat is consumed on the regular.

I do have to worry about their veggies - everything else is covered, and even veggies aren't a huge concern for me, because the boys do end up eating carrots, whether they're aware of that fact, or not. I shred carrots into the ground meats, including ground meat for spaghetti, meatloaf, tacos, hamburger mac n cheese...and anything else you might think of that includes ground meats. I also use garden veggie pasta which is about 1/2 a serving of veggies per serving of pasta.

They also started eating cut or shredded meats - chicken, pork chops, beef - so long as they weren't dry. I'm fairly certain my boys' food aversion is more to dry food, than to crunchy food, although they didn't eat french fries until the summer of 2014 ( 3 1/2 years old) and they started eating chicken nuggets (of the crunchy variety) in November 2014.

Up to this point, we really weren't even able to have the convenience of feeding them fast food - if we needed to, or if we had the money to splurge. Their "fast food" was canned ravioli - that's actually their go-to food, if all else fails. Other go-to foods include: Butter bread, cinnamon-sugar toast, pancakes/waffles and mandarin oranges (NOT clementines, they won't eat fresh oranges!)

I hear from other autism parents how their child refuses meat, refuses this or that. Some kids will only eat pizza, or french fries, or whatever - their food list is not nearly as abundant as our food list. I've never been the type of person to just stick to eating a certain thing - I love variety, and I love to cook. I love using fresh ingredients (mostly in the summer when our farmer's market is running and I can get locally grown and in season) and making things from scratch. I've always loved to bake. I like to experiment, and I'm horrible at following recipes because I do what I want.

Even with all of their aversions, I'd say my kids eat pretty well, and they're generally healthy. One of these days, I'd like to try to put them on a gluten-free diet, see if that helps some of their issues; but I'm not crazy enough to think I can just completely and drastically change their diets - so I'm trying things here and there, and making note of what works and what will need tweaking. I'm building up my knowledge base, gathering information and trying to ease them into it.

I did research on dyes in foods, and how those can affect aggression and attention, and so we decided to try it out - and it worked. I checked out some old posts and realized it's been almost exactly a year since we cut out dyes (I know this because I made their Mike & Sully [Monster's Inc] cakes and they were chock full of food coloring. And after 11 months of dye-free agression-lowering, attention-span gaining and progress, I messed up and gave them Kraft mac n cheese, with the Yellow Lake. Whoooo buddy did I regret it. It's been more than three months since that incident, and we're still trying to just get back to where we were.

I have to say, when I thought about my future - from the time I was a little girl up to the moment I found out I was pregnant - it never included having to figure out how to feed two little mischievous monsters, or having to research special diets in hopes of changing behavior. Even up to the time they were diagnosed, I tried to feed them healthy stuff, but never gave much thought to how what they ate might affect their mood, their behaviors.

It's amazing what you learn as an autism parent, what you're more conscious of when you have little mouths to feed, children to protect from all the various dangers in life - including their food. How cooking goes from this selfish thing you do for self-preservation and pleasure, to this selfless act you perform day after day. And it is a selfless act, to take the time to carefully prepare something that you think, and hope, your family will enjoy, and that will keep them nourished, only to have your toddler discard it blithely to the ground. Yeah, he might try to eat it off the floor within seconds of tossing it there, that's his prerogative, as a toddler. Life is his game to play, and it doesn't matter if it's meal time.