It's not always surly old men...

I recently posted on our Facebook page about an elderly man making a comment about my screaming, autistic toddlers in the waiting room for occupational/physical therapy, and how they "just need a good spanking" - and it drew the attention of several other autism pages, such as my good friend the Honey Badger, who even whipped up a meme: 

However, that was ONE encounter at therapy...the rest have been pretty positive. I'd like to take a moment to express my gratitude with an open letter to those who have given us smiles, encouragement and even help along the way!

Dear Therapy Waiting Room Friends:

I know you don't know our name or our story, but you see us every week like clockwork. You smile at my beautiful boys and their odd vocal stims and boundless energy, and for that, I thank you. 

To the gentleman who recognized that my boys were special, because you have your own special "little" guy, thank you for seeing my boys and offering your words of wisdom as a 40-year veteran special needs parent. Thank you for your kind words, encouraging me to keep doing what I'm doing. Thank you for not flinching when one of the boys, wet hand and all, came up to you and tried to climb into your lap. Your smiles and non-invasive questions were a nice reprieve from the "crotchety old men" I usually run into when we're out and about, you know the ones who just think the kids need a good spanking because that's what they did with their kids, and they obviously turned out perfectly. Thank you for "getting it" and not being afraid to speak up and interact with us. 

To the lady who knew me when I was the boys' age, and who extended her help without me ever asking, thank you. Thank you for chasing Gage when he ran out the front doors and into the parking lot, for keeping him safe from the oncoming car, because you saw I was chasing Gamble in the opposite direction. Thank you for holding Gage when he climbed into your lap. 

To the mama of the little boy who really wanted to talk with my boys, thank you for helping me understand what your son was saying when I was at a loss, and having such a good attitude about it when I looked to you for translation. Thank you for not just telling your son to leave us alone, my boys need social interactions and we'll take them where we can get them. Thank you for teaching your son good manners, and reminding him that sometimes people need a little help - it was sweet to see him offering Gage help when he dropped a toy, or pulling a door closed before Gage could get through it. 

To the other mamas, thank you for all of your understanding smiles, the "been there" sympathy, the "you'll get there" reminders and the patience for the running, jumping and vocal stimming. 

To the front desk staff, thank you for not getting annoyed with the boys grabbing everything off of your desks, running through your space and generally being loud. Thank you for understanding when we're late, or when we're early and you have to listen to the meltdown over waiting. Thank you for allowing me to shut every door in the waiting room so that the boys aren't running rampant through your offices, and for letting us reschedule at the last minute when the twins are still sleeping at 9:30 am. 

To the boys' therapists - there aren't enough words to thank you for your endless patience with them, for the work you're doing with them, or for the progress we've made thanks in large part to you! Thank you for understanding and being interested in what goes on in our lives. We're lucky to have had two of you as our therapists since the beginning, and happy to have added Miss E to our team this summer. It's truly been a blessing for me to be able to attend their therapy sessions with them, because now we do more of it at home, too, reinforcing what they've learned because I've *seen* them working on it firsthand.

As you can see - we've had a lot of really great experiences with therapy, the boys love going and are typically pretty cooperative, if a little 'spacey' or off in their own little worlds. Sometimes they still need reminders to use their gentle hands, or to stay in their spaces, but they worked themselves into the therapy groove pretty easily, and for that I'm extremely grateful. 

Boys are bonkers for banana-blueberry bread

I don't have a fancy kitchen with high-tech (or even matching) implements, but I get the job done and my kids eat pretty healthy - they don't like candy, cookies or chips, so I got lucky there, and they're pretty fond of fruits and vegetables, too, so when I make something like muffins or freshly baked banana-blueberry bread, I make sure it's chock full of good stuff.

I went into the kitchen on a whim one night, knowing I had bananas I needed to use - bought specifically for making banana bread...but I didn't want to make boring old banana bread, that's just not my style! If I'd had zucchini on hand, I would have definitely done some kind of banana zucchini bread with some shredded carrots, but I didn't...so here we have it, banana-blueberry bread (or muffins - whatever you want to do - bake free!)

I often make the boys applesauce oatmeal muffins with shredded carrots, and this was kind of a freestyle play off of those. The first batch I made, I didn't measure anything...and I'll be honest, I still didn't measure anything, so these are my best guesses from my eyeballing it because measuring ingredients is boring.

Banana-Blueberry Bread

It's pretty straight-forward, like most of the stuff I cook, but it's from scratch and delicious, also!

I actually didn't have any oats left...so I left those out and added an extra cup of whole wheat flour this time around. And for some reason I don't own actual loaf pans, I just happened to have two disposable loaf pans for the previous batch (which the boys and Pricklypants gobbled down like nothing over the course of the day!) so I ended up using an 8x8 baking dish.

The recipe above is enough for approximately 24 muffins, 4 loaves or two 8x8 pans of bread. Enjoy, and leave me a comment if you make a different variation (or if you actually follow the recipe and something isn't quite right!!) to let me know how things go!

#Mommitment: To the 'Mediocre Moms'

We've all been there, we've all felt like we could be doing more to help our children thrive; sometimes, we just don't have the energy, maybe we just don't know how to help our children, and maybe we're doing everything we know and can muster the energy to do, but there's always more.

There are tons of people out there telling us we're good moms, I mean, there's that whole #mommitment thing (which I haven't been able to commit to! I don't even like having a monthly Internet bill - commitment isn't really my thing) but that doesn't make us feel it. If there's anything I've learned about being a mom in the last four years, it's that I can find something to feel guilty about, because there will always be something, and there will always be someone out there telling me I'm not good enough, usually it's that nagging little voice in my head.

Maybe it's time to talk to the men in Mom's life - fellas, have you told your wife/girlfriend/baby mama that she's doing a good job lately? Pricklypants called me a 'damn good mom' for the first time in four years about a month ago - I know he doesn't think I'm a bad mom, but he's never told me I'm a good mom. Anyone want to guess what kind of a confidence boost that gave me? We didn't fight for a while after that, he was more respectful and I was less apt to jump down his throat over every little grievance.

But there's still guilt, because I feel like a "mediocre mom"; I feel like I could be, and like I should be, doing more to help my boys - my precious little men who have so many obstacles in their way. And so I read more on how to help them, research more ideas for sensory play (which they'll reject, anyway) and try to engage them more and more often. It's never enough; it won't be enough, no matter how hard I try, and feeling like I'm failing - constantly - is defeating. How can I ever do enough? When will I know it's enough? What if it's not? Why doesn't this mom gig come with a freaking manual?!

Sometimes the twins let me into their worlds, sometimes they don't. I've learned to let them take the lead in our interactions, I can pick up on when they're just done and I know when to take my leave. That doesn't make it any less frustrating.

It's the times they don't let me in, the times they reject my attempts at interaction, that really get to me - because I feel defeated, I feel like I should have done more - because I know I'm capable. But they're not - and I have to learn the difference between my deficits and those of others, even those of my children. I have to stop making their challenges my faults, because their challenges are theirs, and I'm simply here to help in whatever ways I can, whatever ways I'm capable of helping them. I'm here to keep loving them, regardless of the challenges in our lives. The key point - I'm here.

As a co-founder of a local support group, as well as being part of a group of (mostly) parent bloggers, I talk to others who often feel the same way - we all just want what's best for our children, but we're not all as well equipped to deal with the hand fate's dealt us with this parenting stuff - it's hard, there are challenges every. single. day. It wears a person down, and then you throw in outside factors - people scrutinizing what we're doing as parents, telling us (directly or indirectly) that what we're doing is just not enough, making us feel less than (and again, there are just as many telling us we're doing an awesome job).

Sometimes, simply being reminded that there are parents who don't stick around, parents who leave their children to be taken care of by grandparents, aunts and uncles, whomever, and there are parents who go to the atrocious lengths of murdering their own children - sometimes that's enough to remind me that my all-consuming love for my children, the efforts that I put in to help them through their daily lives, that's enough. However, I've always been the type to strive for more, I want to be the best at what I do - otherwise what's the point?

Being a mom has helped put that into perspective - because maybe I'm not the world's best mom, and maybe I'm not winning any Mother of the Year trophies (there was that time I forgot to strap Gamble into his car seat - he reminded me half-way to school), but I am loving my boys and giving them the best that I can every day. It's more than I feel capable of doing some days, but I still do it - and that, my friends, makes me (and you!) a pretty damn good mom.

Today, I packed my family into our little car, drove us all, even Pricklypants (grumpling* all the way), to our local park to see "Elsa in the Park".

I'm not sure what I expected, I'm not sure I expected anything, actually. In fact, *Pricklypants listed off exactly all the reasons it was probably a waste of time, and it didn't matter. We still went. It's important for all of us to get out of the house regularly and do something, even if it's just for two minutes, to take one (or four) photos and stretch our legs and our social muscles. Oh, and spread some autism awareness; the boys walked up with their hands over their ears, full stim ahead.

I just wanted one picture where both of my boys were even just kind of looking at the camera, sitting almost next to each other...Of course Gage had his hands over his ears, there was music playing of which he did not approve, and Gamble was distracted by the fountain, but they were there, together with Elsa. For a whole two seconds. Poor Elsa didn't know what to do, but she was kind, and she got on their level. 

Getting Ready for a Photoshoot

One of the things I've noticed is that many of my potential clients have never had their family's photos done professionally, or it's been a while and they're not sure what to do to get ready, what to bring with them or what to expect. To help calm some of that anxiety and make your special day a success, here are some tips:

What to Wear: One of the hardest parts of getting your family ready for the photo session, in my opinion, is figuring out what everyone's going to wear - it's one of the reasons I haven't had my own family's photos done. I found a wonderful guide here, though, so I might just have to do that soon!

The biggest thing is to make sure that everyone is comfortable - if the kids are scratching at their collars, and itching to get out of their boots, they're probably not going to be making the kind of faces you want captured for your photo books and Facebook walls.

What to Bring: I shoot on location (your choice of location), which means I don't typically bring much with me unless I know that your family has a specific request - please be sure to let me know, or if you have something you think would be a great prop, bring it along! Do you have a string of pearls you'd love to see your daughter photographed with? An Army hat, or pair of boots or an American flag? Want to include the family pet? Let's talk about what kind of photos you're looking for so that we can be sure to have the right props.

It's also not a bad idea to bring a non-messy snack and drinks for the kids; and make sure everyone's fed beforehand, because hungry people are grumpy people. For those with little ones, it's definitely a good idea to bring a spare outfit, a blanket, their favorite toys - the goal is happy kids for great photos!

What to Expect: Once we've set a date, time and location, we'll talk more about what kind of photos your family is looking for - whether you have poses in mind or we create a Pinterest board together.

The day of the session will, I hope, be relaxed and fun. I try to go for natural photos - I like to let the little ones do their own thing, getting on their level and stepping into their world. Don't be nervous about "messing up the shot" - I take plenty of shots, and I can take plenty more if need be!

The BIGGEST Thing? I want your family to have a great time, because that's what makes the best photos - genuine smiles and a happy family.

Communication is key! If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to send me a message or ask during your session.

"What's wrong with those kids?"

As I was walking the boys into school this morning, Gage covered in the soda he'd just spilled on himself and Gamble happily chewing on his right shoe, I heard a little voice above their vocal stims, "What's wrong with those kids?"

I couldn't just ignore it, the little girl had asked a question, and while it was certainly aimed at her daddy, I knew he had no clue. So, while still walking forward, I turned around and told her "They have autism, they don't talk yet - but they really like making noises, just like other kids like to talk and ask questions."

She accepted it without further question, and her dad accepted Gamble's offered hand, returning his smile, as he asked some more questions: Do they have any means of communicating yet? Sign language? (I'm very in tune with them, but no, they don't really have many communication skills just yet). Are they twins? How old? What are their names?

It was a nice conversation, I didn't feel like I needed to defend my boys, but I felt like I wanted to answer the little girl's question, just like I wanted to answer the boy at the dentist office's funny looks at Gage yesterday. He didn't ask, though, so I didn't offer.

This isn't something I only do in April - if anyone has questions about my boys, I'm always happy to answer them. The more people know, they more they accept what is, right?

I've noticed, though, that other children are noticing more and more that the boys aren't like them - they don't talk, they vocal stim like crazy, they jump and spin and walk on their tippy toes, they don't eat what typical kids eat and they live in 'their own little world' most of the time - but they're still kids, they still like to play with toys and watch movies and run around. So while it doesn't exactly feel nice to hear "What's wrong with those kids?", it moves me to make sure that becomes acceptance, rather than judgment.

If I can't advocate for my boys, whether the questions are directed at me or not, then who will?

Reader Feature: Lyndsey J.

As part of ‪#‎Autism‬ Awareness/Acceptance Month I'm featuring readers who responded to my call for submissions earlier this month. Today's feature is Lyndsey J. - her mom, Amanda N. sent in answers to some questions, which I used to write up a little feature on Lyndsey. I hope you enjoy!

Lyndsey J., age 2, is a member of our fine autism community. Her mom, Amanda N., noticed early on that Lyndsey wasn't developing typically. Lyndsey was diagnosed before she turned 2, at Vanderbilt Medical Center.

“She wasn't making eye contact,” Amanda shared. “Not talking, not holding her cup, and [she] was VERY picky eating, with a lot of gagging problems. Also, she never responded to her name, at all.”

Early intervention, Amanda stated, is vital for children on the spectrum.

“I cannot stress enough the importance of early intervention,” Amanda commented. “I have seen my little girl progress to making eye contact, eating new foods, learning sign and being able to play with other children. All because of early intervention.”

Being on the spectrum has ups and downs, Amanda noted, but Lyndsey's giggle and love of being outside are just two of Lyndsey's many positive attributes. Lyndsey loves Mickey Mouse and Dora. She's also very loving and affectionate towards her mother, giving her hundreds of kisses a day, which Amanda has been told is “unusual for a child on the spectrum.”

“My heart breaks daily when I look at my beautiful little girl and see her struggling to do small things that others take for granted,” Amanda noted. “I know, though, that we are going to be okay! We are fighting and we won't give up! We are on this journey together and WON'T quit.”

However, Lyndsey doesn't yet understand the concepts of danger and boundaries, making family time outside stressful.

“It makes it very hard as a family to spend time outside...when you have to be on constant guard,” Amanda added.

The stresses and struggles of parenting a child (or children) on the spectrum can become overwhelming, Amanda hinted.

“...Remember that it's okay to make time for yourself,” she said. “It's very easy to 'lose yourself' in a sense, when you are raising a child with autism.

“Pray,” she continued. “Talk with your mate, talk with friends. Reach out for advice and let people help you. Also...cry! Get angry! It's okay. It's healthy, I think! It's all a journey. It's a daily struggle. It can be the most bittersweet adventure, ever! Don't give up...”

---

Thanks for sharing your story, Amanda N.

If you'd like your family to be featured, just send me a message at https://www.facebook.com/chockfullasd.

Color the World

April is fast approaching, and it's "Autism Awareness Month" - a lot of other bloggers are planning to #ColortheWorld for #Autism, though, because autism doesn't just affect boys, and because autistic people don't necessarily want a cure, they want to be accepted for who they are, and who they have the potential to become.

For the month of April, I will open my blog up to others who have something to share on the topic at hand: Autism. There will be posts from parents of neurotypical children, as well as posts from adults on the spectrum, and parents of children and adults on the spectrum...who knows, it's still open - which is the point of this post - a call for submissions!

Do you have something to say about autism? Want to share how autism has touched your life? Want to rant about how unfair it all is? Let me know! Always wanted to share your voice, but too worried about grammar and spelling? I'll take care of that, I did it for a living for a couple of years, I haven't forgotten how to edit in an unbiased manner.

Even if you want to share your story, but aren't comfortable weaving a tale, if you want to be interviewed, we can do that! I loved writing feature stories when I worked at the local newspaper! Leave me a comment here, or send me a message on my Facebook page, and help us #ColortheWorldforAutism this April.

April is also:

-National Multiple Birth Awareness Month (who knew!) - so I'm going to ask another mom of twins on the spectrum to post from her perspective! I might even be able to sway the Punk Rock Papa himself into guest posting, who knows, he might be too busy with his masses.

- National Occupational Therapy Month - look for tips on my Twitter, Facebook and Pinterest pages!

There's a whole slew of things to be aware of in every month, these are the 3 I'm going to focus on, because they're relevant to what I'm doing here. Have something to share about any of these? Let me know!