#Mommitment: To the 'Mediocre Moms'

We've all been there, we've all felt like we could be doing more to help our children thrive; sometimes, we just don't have the energy, maybe we just don't know how to help our children, and maybe we're doing everything we know and can muster the energy to do, but there's always more.

There are tons of people out there telling us we're good moms, I mean, there's that whole #mommitment thing (which I haven't been able to commit to! I don't even like having a monthly Internet bill - commitment isn't really my thing) but that doesn't make us feel it. If there's anything I've learned about being a mom in the last four years, it's that I can find something to feel guilty about, because there will always be something, and there will always be someone out there telling me I'm not good enough, usually it's that nagging little voice in my head.

Maybe it's time to talk to the men in Mom's life - fellas, have you told your wife/girlfriend/baby mama that she's doing a good job lately? Pricklypants called me a 'damn good mom' for the first time in four years about a month ago - I know he doesn't think I'm a bad mom, but he's never told me I'm a good mom. Anyone want to guess what kind of a confidence boost that gave me? We didn't fight for a while after that, he was more respectful and I was less apt to jump down his throat over every little grievance.

But there's still guilt, because I feel like a "mediocre mom"; I feel like I could be, and like I should be, doing more to help my boys - my precious little men who have so many obstacles in their way. And so I read more on how to help them, research more ideas for sensory play (which they'll reject, anyway) and try to engage them more and more often. It's never enough; it won't be enough, no matter how hard I try, and feeling like I'm failing - constantly - is defeating. How can I ever do enough? When will I know it's enough? What if it's not? Why doesn't this mom gig come with a freaking manual?!

Sometimes the twins let me into their worlds, sometimes they don't. I've learned to let them take the lead in our interactions, I can pick up on when they're just done and I know when to take my leave. That doesn't make it any less frustrating.

It's the times they don't let me in, the times they reject my attempts at interaction, that really get to me - because I feel defeated, I feel like I should have done more - because I know I'm capable. But they're not - and I have to learn the difference between my deficits and those of others, even those of my children. I have to stop making their challenges my faults, because their challenges are theirs, and I'm simply here to help in whatever ways I can, whatever ways I'm capable of helping them. I'm here to keep loving them, regardless of the challenges in our lives. The key point - I'm here.

As a co-founder of a local support group, as well as being part of a group of (mostly) parent bloggers, I talk to others who often feel the same way - we all just want what's best for our children, but we're not all as well equipped to deal with the hand fate's dealt us with this parenting stuff - it's hard, there are challenges every. single. day. It wears a person down, and then you throw in outside factors - people scrutinizing what we're doing as parents, telling us (directly or indirectly) that what we're doing is just not enough, making us feel less than (and again, there are just as many telling us we're doing an awesome job).

Sometimes, simply being reminded that there are parents who don't stick around, parents who leave their children to be taken care of by grandparents, aunts and uncles, whomever, and there are parents who go to the atrocious lengths of murdering their own children - sometimes that's enough to remind me that my all-consuming love for my children, the efforts that I put in to help them through their daily lives, that's enough. However, I've always been the type to strive for more, I want to be the best at what I do - otherwise what's the point?

Being a mom has helped put that into perspective - because maybe I'm not the world's best mom, and maybe I'm not winning any Mother of the Year trophies (there was that time I forgot to strap Gamble into his car seat - he reminded me half-way to school), but I am loving my boys and giving them the best that I can every day. It's more than I feel capable of doing some days, but I still do it - and that, my friends, makes me (and you!) a pretty damn good mom.

Today, I packed my family into our little car, drove us all, even Pricklypants (grumpling* all the way), to our local park to see "Elsa in the Park".

I'm not sure what I expected, I'm not sure I expected anything, actually. In fact, *Pricklypants listed off exactly all the reasons it was probably a waste of time, and it didn't matter. We still went. It's important for all of us to get out of the house regularly and do something, even if it's just for two minutes, to take one (or four) photos and stretch our legs and our social muscles. Oh, and spread some autism awareness; the boys walked up with their hands over their ears, full stim ahead.

I just wanted one picture where both of my boys were even just kind of looking at the camera, sitting almost next to each other...Of course Gage had his hands over his ears, there was music playing of which he did not approve, and Gamble was distracted by the fountain, but they were there, together with Elsa. For a whole two seconds. Poor Elsa didn't know what to do, but she was kind, and she got on their level.