Eff it...I guess I'll choose happy

One of my friends, Punk Rock Papa, posted today about choosing happy.

Mortality is a bitch, but it's my anti-depressant and it works wonders. Death will take you regardless of whether you are cheery or down...I would rather be remembered for my happiness than for losing the battle with my demons. Is it easy to stay cheery in the face of mounting tribulations? No, but if you don't attack everything with happiness and tenacity to overcome it you really are not doing anything but waiting to die. I like to say today might suck but there's always tomorrow and it's just a day away, but it might not be. - Punk Rock Papa

And maybe I'm self-centered, but I felt like it was written for me. Yeah, I'm the queen of the fucking universe, get over it.

Ok...I can admit that it wasn't 100% for me, I'm not that deluded. But at any rate, it's a good reminder.

So, today, I'm blaring music, cleaning my house, and trying to be happy, because Punk Rock Papa said so.

Yes, my children have autism, and it affects every minute of every day of our lives. They can't talk to me, they can't tell me what they want, or what's bothering them. They can't let me know how their day at school went, or whether they enjoyed the penguin-shaped sandwiches in their lunch box. They're very dependent, at a time when most kids are learning independence and taking it to their own level. That makes parenting much more difficult. But we're making progress, and isn't that something to celebrate?

My boys make me smile every single day. They also make me pull my hair out, cry and scream, but they still manage, through all of that, to make me smile.

We have a roof over our heads, food to eat, our bills are paid - yeah, we're short on money, we can't afford much, and I can't go get my $5 coffees anymore, but since I quit my job, stress levels are down, my kids are happier and making more progress, and I don't feel like I have to make every single person happy with my decisions, just myself and my family.

Punk Rock Papa is right - one day, we're all going to die, and it's not going to matter whether we were elated or miserable with our lives, so why not choose happy? Why not go out knowing you did all you did to make life better for yourself, and for those around you, with just the simple choice to be happier.

I've suffered from anxiety and depression nearly my whole life. I had a rough childhood, but I'm not that scared little girl any more. I've intermittently chosen happy over the years, but recently, I haven't been making that choice, I've been letting everyone else determine my mood - that's a blog post for another time, though.

Today, and tomorrow, and for as long as I can manage it, I'm going to choose happy. I can't promise to be rainbows and butterflies every day for the rest of forever, but I can promise to make an effort. We do all have our demons, some more than others, but we can't let them bury us, even if we're all going to die some day, anyway.

So, thanks, Punk Rock Papa, for being straight with the world about getting the fuck over it.